Flowers for December

Old poem that I wrote that just seems relevant to my life right now:

Flowers for December

throught the still silence, she wanders
weaving through the naked trees once in bloom
alone
carrying a basket, she holds it tight
the darkness tries to steal it away

on her footprints, she leaves behind a tulip
wilting under the falling sky
forsaken
by the drifing mother

the trees cry
shrill screams of nothing
as their bare limbs 
await her return

she moves into the quiet ahead
an advancing serenity, and a tailing sorrow
unsettled
an orchid, she passes to the shadows
and the starved ghosts seize the death

a rose she drops to the ground
a dark stain on a pale sheet
faded
by the empty night

she leaves these flowers for december
a memory to hold
until she returns
and awakes the sleeping life

World Map and Exploration

 The world was once flat, and stood at the centre of the universe... then once time it took a spherical shape and began orbiting around the sun, which became just one small part in an infinite system of galaxies. Our spherical Earth started with a few countries, which then began expanding... as ships travelled across the ocean that once covered everything unknown, whole continents started to form.

 This was a time of exploration, where the world map was developed. Using a computer program, you can even scan across the entire planet from your own computer. Go site seeing, even dive into the ocean. The technology is fascinating, but the loss of adventure in our modern society is greatly dissapointing. 

 There aren't ship fleets of explorers conquering the raging sea on a journey to find new land. But as a species, we are still always on some sort of search for new information. There's always new things to learn, more research to be done, discoveries to be made, old technologies to be advanced. Constantly trying to move forward with time. But why? Well, imaging the human race with no desire to answer all these mysteries... we really wouldn't have anything to do with ourselves. The search for information is a way to give ourselves purpose, as if somehow knowing everything will make a big difference in the end. 

 But, as someone with a curious mind, eager to learn about the world and how it works, I can say that it does make me feel as if it has purpose. Isn't it better to be aware of the world around you? But how much left is out there to find? How many questions are unanswered, and what new questions will arise through discovery of new answer? It's really still a blank map... only it's filled in within laboratories and testing fascilities. That's not really enough for me.. that doesn't captivate my interest. There's no adventure in looking through I microscope. I want to be on the ship, wrecked by the high waves of the ocean, crashing onto a new shore which I can then draw onto the black canvas of the world map. 

The Big Picture

 Imagine yourself from a birds eye view, sitting infront of your computer screen. Then zoom out, and you see your house, or whichever builiding you happen to be in. Other people walking around, with their own tasks, their own thoughts, emotions etc. It's a small picture of a few individuals, all on their own paths. Zoom out more, and maybe you see a city. The people are barely noticeable, and the picture is defined by the buildings, and the streets with cars systematically speeding up and slowing down. It's an organized flow, built up of thousands of smaller images or people living independently, believing in their own importance... but from further our, all those smaller images add to one bigger frame, where nothing is independent. Everything contributes to that systematic, organized flow. Zoom out further, maybe you picture the whole country... then even further and you see the world. Every little detail loses significance. Erasing an entire city would have no impact on what you see. This is the big picture. 

 Of course, this is a more literal interpretation of 'the big picture'. Instead of just looking beyond yourself to the people of the world, it's about seeing the world as a whole and realizing how unimportant one person is. Not focusing in on details, not even about the system it creates... but the net movement of that system.  The idea that all actions are connected... the lives of all people added together to create this system of life... in some kind of equilibrium... it really adds up to nothing at all. The meaning of the individual is to add to the whole, but the meaning of the whole is simply to progress in this way. 

 I guess what I'm trying to get at is the distiction between the meaning and purpose of individual life, and that of life as a whole. The big picture has no meaning other than to carry on itself, with no final goal. Life and death, and whatever actions that occur during or before or after either have no importance on the greater scale. It's within this circle of being, that any action can have purpose. 

 Reading through my old journal entries I was thinking about all my goals and aspirations, which have been building and developing all my life... seeing myself as someone who could change the world. By living my life with my own purpose, I would make a big impact on others. I want to be free, and just live in a way that I will have personal satisfaction. I want to come to the end of my life and think that I've left a piece of myself behind. Even knowing that life has no purpose beside carrying on iteself when I zoom back in to my individual circle I want to know that what I'm doing is changing the smaller circles around me, and that I'm taking in the effect of others as well. 

 Side thought... even thinking that each life in connected to those around it... all independent lives still somehow dependent on each other... how many of those other lives do you actually ever get to know. Of course you can't know someone elses life like you know your own... but how often do we really try? How often do we look beyond ourselves at the people around us, and try to see inside of them, and know there life? 

That's all for now...
.Erin

 

 

Nakapenda

Nakapenda {and then I loved} 

Within the cloud of darkness, 
I rest upon the rhythmic Earth
and deep into the roots of life
I first heard the river flow

The path seems sponaneous
But I'm called to where it leads
Consumed by the energy
I slip in and I am free

The depth is so inviting
the speed I can't control
break through the vines
wrapped 'round my wrists
and give myself to the soul

Trust in that which calls
a force that draws me near
This sleepless trail
to find his warmth
a destination now so clear

Awakened by the whispers
which tell me of a choice
to find the love that sang to me
or let him have a voice

(p.s. -Nakapenda is Swahili... I got the translation from in the interweb, so if it's wrong I apologize)

Freedom

 (In response to the post by 'JustJason' asking "What does freedom mean to you? Do you ever feel free? What makes you feel free and how does it feel to be free?")

  I think that it's impossible to actually have freedom because we are restricted by laws, obligations, and what is physically possible. However, even though there are things that stop us from having complete freedom, if we don't see these obstacles as such then they aren't really restricting. For example, lets say I want to go away for a couple days but I can't get time off work. You'd think that would limit my freedom, but if I'm not concerned about the concequences, and I just skip work than I have a bit of freedom. So, it really depends on how restricted you feel from the concequences of acting outside of these rules and responsibilities. 

 Freedom, to me, is a state of mind. There are times when I feel free... like, when my friends and I decide to climb the escartment. We'll be on a hike, and look up and see a place that looks fun to climb and we'll just go at it. We get to the top covered in dirt, scratches all over, collapse on the ground- and it feels amazing. That sense of adventure you get when your adrenaline is flowing and you think you're going to fall, but you're determined to reach the top. That feels like freedom. But that something that's temporary. In general, I wouldn't say that I have freedom right now. I actually feel very restricted. I'm still satisfied with my life right now, and I love that I am able to have the life that I do. However, I want to get out of this small little circle I live in. I want to see the world. I want to have a career where I wake up every morning excited to be doing something that I love. These things just aren't possible at the moment.  Luckily, I am free to reach this goal... I have the resourses, and the learning environment, and the determination to do it.

I'm not free, but I can have freedom. 

~Erin